Co-parenting when one of you starts dating

This page is general information, not legal advice. Arrangements for children are governed by the law where you live and by any parenting plan or court order you have. If you have an order, follow it, and ask a family lawyer before assuming anything in it doesn't apply.

What you owe your co-parent, and what you don't

You owe your co-parent information that affects the children; you don't owe them anything about the relationship itself. Once you are separated, your love life is your own business. The children are still shared business, and that gives a fairly clean line.

Tell your co-parent before the children meet your partner, not afterwards. Hearing it from a six-year-old at a handover is a reliable way to start an argument. Our guide on introducing a new partner to your children covers the timing in detail.

What a parenting plan is, and why to check it

A parenting plan is a written agreement between separated parents about how the children's time and care are shared. A court order does the same job but is made by a judge and is legally binding. Either may say something about new partners.

Before you introduce anyone, read yours for terms about:

• new partners meeting the children;
• overnight guests when the children are present;
• who may collect the children or attend handovers;
• moving house or changing the children's routine.

If anything is unclear, ask your lawyer rather than guessing. The details, and how courts treat them, depend on your state or country.

Having the conversation

Pick a calm moment, by phone or in writing, without the children nearby, and keep it short. The aim is to inform, not to negotiate.

An example of the kind of message that works (adapt it to your own voice):

I wanted you to hear this from me. I've been seeing someone, Sam, for a while, and it's going well. I'm planning for the kids to meet Sam in a few weeks, somewhere low-key. Happy to answer any questions about that.

If your co-parent reacts badly, you don't have to argue the point. "I understand it's a lot. I'll keep it slow and keep the kids first" is enough. If messages become hostile, keep your replies brief and polite. They may be read by a lawyer or a judge one day.

Ground rules that help

Short, mutual ground rules that apply to both households prevent most arguments about new partners. They work best when they are written down and about the children rather than about each other.

• Introductions: each parent tells the other before a new partner meets the children.
• Overnight guests: no new partner stays overnight when the children are there until the children know them.
• Handovers: just the two parents, at least to begin with.
• Discipline: stays with parents, not partners.
• Talking about each other: nobody criticizes the other parent, or their partner, in front of the children.
• Big events: school plays, parent-teacher conferences and medical appointments are for parents, unless both agree otherwise.
• Social media: no photos of the children with a new partner posted publicly without the other parent's agreement.

If you are working on a parenting plan through mediation or your lawyers, it is easier to include terms like these now than to argue about them later.

Handovers, events and the first year

Handovers and school events are where children see their parents together, so keep a new partner away from both for the first months. Let their presence grow gradually.

For the first months of a new relationship:

• keep your partner away from handovers and out of the car at drop-off;
• go to children's events alone, or agree with your co-parent beforehand who will be there;
• avoid posting photos of your partner with your children on social media;
• keep your children's routines the same in your home as before, so the new person is an addition, not a change of rules.

Over time, many families get to a point where a partner can come to a birthday party or wave from the car. Let that happen gradually, and with your co-parent's agreement where you can get it.

When your ex is the one dating

When your ex starts dating, separate your own feelings from what your children need. It can hurt more than you expect, even if you ended the marriage, and that is normal.

• Separate your feelings from the children's interests. Your ex's new partner being in your children's lives is not, by itself, a danger to them.
• Ask the questions you'd want answered. A first name, roughly when the children will meet them, and whether they'll be at the house on your ex's days are reasonable things to ask.
• Let the children like them. Children who feel they must be loyal to you by disliking a new partner carry a heavy load. "It's fine to like Sam. I'm glad you had fun" frees them.
• Don't interrogate the children. Ask how their weekend was, not what the new partner said about you.

If you have a specific concern, like a partner with a history of violence or substance misuse, or something your child has told you, raise it with your ex directly and calmly. If you believe your child is at risk of harm, contact the police or your local child protection service, and take legal advice. Our guide to introducing a new partner lists the official ways to check a new adult's record in the UK and the US.

If co-parenting has broken down

If you can't discuss new partners without it turning into a fight, a neutral third party can help. Family mediation, where a trained mediator helps parents reach their own agreement, is widely available in the US and the UK and is often quicker and less adversarial than going to court.

Some parents also use a shared calendar or a co-parenting messaging app so that schedule changes are in writing and conversations stay on the children. If nothing works and the disagreement affects the children's time with either parent, a family lawyer can explain how to ask a court to set or change arrangements.

If your ex is controlling or abusive

If your ex is controlling, threatening or violent, safety comes before openness. You do not have to share details of a new relationship that could be used against you, and a domestic abuse service can help you plan how and when information is shared.

If you are in immediate danger, call 911 in the US or 999 in the UK. Our safety guide covers keeping your dating profile private from an ex.

Keeping your own dating life calm

Co-parenting goes more smoothly when dating stays in its own lane. Date on the days your children are with their other parent, keep your children's photos and names off your profile, and don't let a new relationship change your parenting schedule.

Our guides on dating as a single parent and blended families go further, and dating someone who is divorced is worth passing to a new partner who is still learning how your week works.