Dating after divorce in your 50s and 60s

What's different about dating later

Divorce after a long marriage, sometimes called a "gray divorce", changes more than your relationship status. You may have been married for 25 or 30 years, raised children, and planned a retirement around someone who is no longer part of it. Dating again can feel strange, even slightly ridiculous, at first. It gets easier quickly.

There are advantages, too. Many people in their 50s and 60s have more free time, children who've left home and a clearer sense of who they are. Plenty of the people you'll meet are in the same position, and few of them expect a whirlwind.

Your adult children

Tell your adult children you're dating rather than asking them, and listen for the worry underneath their reaction. Some will be delighted; others are protective, hurt on behalf of their other parent, or worried about the family home and inheritance.

• Tell them, don't ask them. You can share news without seeking approval.
• Answer the real question. "Are you sure about him?" can mean "are you safe?" or "what happens to the house?"
• Keep early dating private. There's no need to introduce anyone until it's serious.
• Don't make them choose. If they're close to their other parent, let that relationship be.

An example of a simple way to say it (adapt it to your own voice):

I wanted you to know I've started meeting people. Nothing serious yet, and I'm being careful. If it ever becomes serious, you'll hear it from me first.

If grandchildren are involved, the same principles apply as with younger children: introduce a new partner slowly, and let the grandchildren's parents set the pace. Our guide on introducing a new partner covers the basics.

Money, home and retirement

Later in life, a new relationship can affect pensions, benefits, your home and what you leave your children, so take advice before moving in or remarrying. An hour with a lawyer or financial adviser is far cheaper than untangling a mistake.

Before either step, ask about:

1. Your will. In England and Wales, under section 18 of the Wills Act 1837, marriage revokes an existing will unless it was made in expectation of that marriage. Other places have their own rules, so check where you live.
2. Beneficiary forms. Life insurance, pensions and retirement accounts often pass by nomination or beneficiary form, not by your will. Make sure an ex-spouse isn't still named where you don't want them to be.
3. Pensions and retirement accounts. How remarrying could affect pension rights, survivor benefits or a pension share from your divorce. In the UK, MoneyHelper gives free, impartial pensions guidance.
4. Benefits. In the UK, couples who live together are assessed together for means-tested benefits such as Pension Credit, which can reduce or end an award. In the US, ask Social Security and any pension plan how remarrying or moving in would affect benefits you receive or expect.
5. Spousal support. Whether support you receive could be reduced or end if you live with someone or remarry. Your divorce order or agreement, and local law, decide this.
6. Your home. Who would own what, and what happens to the home if the relationship ends or one of you dies.

Living together is not the same as marriage in law. In England and Wales there is no common-law marriage, so an unmarried partner does not get the rights a spouse has, however long you live together. This is general information, not legal or financial advice, and the rules differ between US states and between England and Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland.

Living apart together

Living apart together means a committed relationship in which each of you keeps your own home and finances. Many couples in later life choose it on purpose.

It keeps property and inheritance simple for each family, avoids the benefit changes that come with sharing a home, and suits people who have got used to their own routines. It isn't a halfway stage unless you want it to be. Some couples do it for decades.

Health and intimacy

Talking about health is easier when you treat it as normal. By your 50s and 60s most people have something, whether a bad knee, a heart condition or a medication schedule, so share what's relevant when it's relevant.

Sexual health deserves its own mention. Sexually transmitted infections affect people of every age, and many people who married decades ago have never needed to think about protection or testing. Before a sexual relationship with someone new, talk about testing and condoms. In the UK, NHS sexual health clinics are free and confidential and you can usually go without a GP referral; in the US, the CDC's GetTested site finds testing places near you. Your own doctor can help too.

Body confidence can be a hurdle after a long marriage. Your new partner is likely to have the same worries. Going at a pace that feels comfortable, and talking honestly, helps both of you.

Getting used to online dating

If you last dated before the internet, online dating can look bewildering, but the basics take an afternoon. A common order of things:

1. A few recent photos, including one that clearly shows your face, and a few honest lines about yourself and where your divorce stands.
2. Short messages, a few at a time, with people whose profiles you actually read.
3. A video call before meeting, which also screens out most scammers.
4. A coffee or a walk somewhere public, with a set end time.

Our guide to online dating after years away explains what has changed, your first date after a long marriage helps you plan the first meeting, and how it works shows each step on Just Divorced Singles.

Scams: the biggest risk

Romance scams are the main danger for people dating after a later-life divorce, especially if you have settlement money, a pension lump sum or proceeds from a house sale. The pattern is consistent: intense affection, a reason they can't meet, then a request for money or an "investment".

Warning signs worth knowing:

• they declare strong feelings within days or weeks;
• they always have a reason not to video call or meet;
• they say they work overseas, on an oil rig, at sea or in the military;
• they bring up money, gift cards, crypto or a trading platform;
• they ask you to keep the relationship secret from family.

Never send money to someone you haven't met, and never take investment advice from someone you met on a dating site.

If you've already paid, contact your bank first. Our guide to romance scams after divorce explains the scripts in detail, and the safety guide covers meeting someone new.

Taking your time

You don't have to rush. Some people are ready to date within months of a later-life divorce; others take years, and both are normal. Our guide to whether you're ready to date again may help you decide.