Your first date after a long marriage

Where should a first date be?

Somewhere public, familiar and short. Coffee, a walk or a casual weekday lunch gives you an hour to find out whether you'd like a second meeting, without three courses to sit through if you wouldn't. Dinner and a movie, the classic date of decades past, is a lot to commit to with someone you have only messaged.

If it goes well, you'll both want a second date. If it doesn't, nobody is stuck.

Before you go: a short checklist

A little preparation removes most of the worry. Work through this the day before.

1. Have a short video or phone call. Ten minutes on video tells you whether the person matches their photos and whether you can talk easily. The Federal Trade Commission notes that romance scammers make excuses not to meet, so a call is also a simple check. An example of how to ask: "Would you be up for a quick video call this week before we meet? It makes the first coffee less nerve-racking for me."
2. Tell someone your plans. A friend or family member should know who you're meeting, where and when. Agree that you'll text when you get home, and what they'll do if you don't.
3. Make your own way there and back. Drive yourself, take a cab or use transit. Don't accept a ride from your date, and don't give them your home address yet.
4. Choose somewhere you know. Busy, well lit and easy to leave on your own.
5. Decide how long you'll stay. "I've got about an hour before I need to be somewhere" is an easy exit and a perfectly normal thing to say.
6. Charge your phone and carry a way to pay. Enough to cover your share and a ride home, whatever happens.
7. Sort childcare with time to spare. If you're a parent, a sitter who expects you back later than you plan takes the pressure off. Our guide to dating as a single parent covers sitters and schedules.

The safety guide has more on what to keep private until you know someone.

Is it normal to be this nervous?

Yes. If you were married for 15, 20 or 30 years, a first date can feel absurdly high-stakes, and your date may well be feeling the same. A few things help:

• Remember the goal. It is to find out whether you'd like a second coffee with this person, not to decide your future.
• Expect some awkwardness. A pause in conversation is not a verdict on either of you.
• Dress like yourself on a good day. Clothes you're comfortable in help more than something new you keep adjusting.
• Arrive a few minutes early. Settle in, choose a seat where you can see the door, and breathe.

If the nerves feel more like dread than excitement, it may be worth reading how to tell if you're ready to date again before you book anything.

What to talk about, and what to save

Good first-date conversation is mostly curiosity. Ask about things the other person enjoys and listen for the answers that make them light up.

None of the right-hand column is secret. It's simply easier to share with someone who knows you.

What to say about your divorce

One or two calm sentences is enough on a first date: how long ago, where things stand, and that you're glad to be getting out again. For example: "We separated about two years ago and the divorce was finalized last spring. It's been a big change, but a good one."

Then hand the conversation back. Our guide on how much to say about your ex has more wording for the harder questions, including what to say if the marriage ended badly.

Who pays the bill?

Expectations vary by person and by place, and there is no single rule any more. A few approaches that rarely go wrong:

• Offer to split, and accept graciously if your date wants to pay.
• If you suggested the date, offer to pay.
• If they pay this time, offer to get the next one.

Paying for a coffee buys a coffee. It doesn't buy a second date, a kiss or anyone's time.

How to end the date kindly

When things are wrapping up, say what's true. "I've really enjoyed this, and I'd like to do it again" is enough if you mean it. If you're not sure, "Thanks, this was nice" is honest and kind, and you can decide later.

If you don't want a second date, send a short message within a day or two. An example: "Thank you for meeting me. I enjoyed the conversation, but I didn't feel the spark I'm looking for. I wish you well." It is kinder than disappearing, and most people appreciate knowing.

If something feels wrong

You can leave at any point, and you don't owe anyone an explanation. Say you need to go, pay for your share and walk out.

• If someone won't take no for an answer, tell the staff and ask them to help you get a cab.
• If you feel suddenly unwell after a drink, tell staff or a friend straight away and don't leave with your date.
• If you feel in danger, call 911 in the US or 999 in the UK.

Afterwards, report the profile through the members area so it can be reviewed. If they asked for money before or after meeting, read our guide to romance scams after divorce.

After the date

Notice how you feel. Excited, relieved, a bit flat or simply tired are all normal. A first date that goes nowhere is still practice, and it gets easier quickly.

If it went well, a second date can be a little longer, but there's no need to rush the steps that are hard to undo. Meeting your children is a separate decision that usually comes much later; see introducing a new partner to your children. And if you haven't used a dating site in years, what's changed in online dating explains the rest.